Foolish Pride

Was having thanksgiving dinner at a place that reminded of you so much.

It was there you revealed your feelings , it was there we shared so many things, it was there I said I will lost my soul if you gone from my life permanently on the earth, it was a night that I almost tearing but I was too proud – I remembered I held on to the tears with all my emotional might, did not want you to know I care that much , it was a night I remembered all my life, your sad expressions, it was there I knew so much of you, that you really are a beautiful man with a beautiful heart. It was a night I shamelessly looked intently in your eyes and assuring you that I want to be there for you in bracing your adversities at that time.

It was a night that I just came back from my holidays in Australia. I felt like telling you how I dug your name in the sand at Surfer’s Paradise beach on a chilly night (I told my travel mates that I wanted some time alone) crazily declaring that you are mine and praying, missing, thinking of you so badly. It is your face that I want to see at every waking moment. I felt like coming back immediately and see you. I desired in telling you that I was happy that you called the day I reached home. But my hideous pride got in the way. I foolishly acted cool.

People made mistakes. The biggest mistake I made was that I never once said I love you.

I always letting go. You are too good to be true. I was a fool to think you are not mine to keep. But you knew. You knew I love you. You knew I had loved you ever since the first day we met. When you texted me and said that to me after that meeting, I was stunned for a while. I never thought you aware. But at that time, I was still too proud to say I love you. I’m sorry. Dear, I confessed that your intricacies of life overwhelmed me, I don’t know how to comprehend and handle that. I never say I love you cause was afraid I don’t know how to face it, scared to take the chance.

If time can reverse back, I will say: ‘ I love you and I have been loving you all along.

And I want you all by myself. Please stay with me cause I love you’ And I shall take the chance of going through the fire with you.

You had taught me how to love a person unconditionally. You had lead me to believe that miracle do come true. I never thought I will love someone for real, for what he is and without any reservations. Whenever I dreamt of you, I foolishly held on to the dream and reluctant to wake up. I want to touch your face and feel your embrace.

After you gone, my heart stop beating for a while, I don’t want to live, I really believe I lost my soul, felt like bleeding till death comes upon me.

I cried whenever I thought of you, I tried many ways to move on. Only began to be fairly strong 2 years ago cause I foolishly believe you are still alive……..I want to convince or merely deceiving myself.

Dear, if I don’t have Christ, I believe I don’t have the courage to live on. The Lord has sustained me. Or in subtlety, God teaches me the meaning of love by knowing you.

It’s in December, the vision of you always invade me maybe because I’m still hanging on to your promise….

Rest In Peace, Dear.

P/s : It was a long letter cause it will be the last time I write to you. In a rather strange way , I fall for someone this year. The feelings was not being reciprocated but I was happy cause I finally seem to have feelings for someone else after losing you. Are you watching me from above?. Whether I find someone of mutual love as time passes, it does not matter. I have my life and I decided to move on and celebrate life.